Managing a Dull Ache

How do we learn to trust that the world is a safe place when it really wasn't when we were growing up?
How do we give up old coping mechanisms? I learned to cope with people who were unstable & had a whole host of problems that I didn't realize at the time had nothing whatsoever to do with me. I learned to cope by tuning them out & going numb. Food worked well here. Food really became my drug. Food. And cigarettes which came later. Tobacco was great because it was such an instant hit! And food & cigarettes could be "controlled" in their consumption. It's why I never liked drugs. Alcohol was ok, but I really didn't like things that made me feel out of control. Everything in life needed to be managed. It was NOT safe. My mother was depressed & angry. My dad was drunk & angry. Erratic behaviour. Rules changed constantly. Emotions ran high. Acting out was the norm. I remember watching a LOT of television & eating figures prominently in my life as some of my earliest "good" memories.
I have been eating my feelings for a very long time. They're not as tasty as they used to be & I have a stomach ache. I gave up smoking one year and six months ago. Ahhh... so it is time to give up something else. A very wise person told me recently that at the year and 1/2 mark there would be hell to pay for quitting. Flood of emotion is right.
I'm ready to claim my life. I can't even say re-claim it. I don't think it's ever been mine. Once & for all, this life in this body is MINE. MINE I tell you! And now the gentle part: It's all mine, belongs to me, 100%.

Anger Manage-Meant

I give myself permission to be different from my parents. I give myself the right to define myself by MY-self. To determine who I am NOT connected to them. I am me. I am a different person & I am different from them. I am different from my family. I began to know this at a young age, but it wasn't something I could really allow myself to feel. It was too dangerous of a thought. We can get this idea of individuation on any number of levels & I certainly have understood this in many ways. I moved thousands of miles away from home. This took a lot of permission, but I realize now what I needed to have that permission was anger! Anger was & always has been a great motivator for me. It's given me strength & courage & tenacity to take risks & to do things that I was afraid/didn't have the energy, courage... to do.
Can I be myself & not need to be angry to live? Can I function without anger as a chief motivator? Doesn't anger take a lot of energy? Doesn't a person get awful tired by staying angry in order to get through a project or an event or a life? Aren't there some other options? Can I not like my parents & yet let my anger at them go? Can I notice that they are different from me & I from them & understand that has to be the way it is? These and more musings to follow...

Feeding the Hate

Is letting someone off the hook the same as forgiving them?
I hate my parents for being awful parents. They didn't know the first fucking thing about being parents so why did they have children? It's probably as simple as they didn't know the first fucking thing about birth control.
I thought I'd forgiven them a hundred times & yet here I am, back in this place of utter & shear hate & condemnation for two people who just didn't know any better & who did the best they could with what they had. Does that mean I have to let them off the hook?

This is painful, this above feeling of pure hatred. I hate them. I hate myself for hating. I hate myself for being so connected to them still. I hate that I have to hate them in order to feel safe. I hate that I eat to avoid this feeling altogether. Food will not take away this pain. Food will not make it go away. Being full will do no more than further the hurt. I hurt so I hurt myself. It makes no sense & yet there it is.

Perfecting Our Fears

Funny how for some, the idea of other people reading their writing is validation of life itself. For others, it's an idea that is extremely difficult. With it comes pressure to of course be clever & witty. Not to mention interesting & intelligent. Ok. Perfect. Whatever that means. What would it mean to not try & make something perfect? Lets give it a whirl, shall we?

Ready. Set. Go!

Voila, I am a blogger.