Ass-uming I'm Ass-essing

I just plain hate it when people make assumptions about me. And yet, what's to hate about it? Everyone does it. Even me! I make assumptions all the time about people. I have to make some. I have to make some quick decisions in my work, quick assesments, & I certainly must be wrong at least some of the time. Why do I assume things about people? Lets start somewhere else... Who, what, where, when, why... Who do I assume things about... Clients, family, husbands family, people on line at Citerella, people walking down the street. What do I assume? That they need/want a change but need reassurance that the change will be good. The person is having a bad day. This person was bullied in life, that's why they are a bully themselves. This person has ___ that's why they're ___. That person is ___ which means they were probably ___ as a child. Hey! There are some good assumptions. Some things actually serve to keep us safe: That car ahead of us is weaving on the road so I need to avoid it & perhaps call 911. There is a person walking erratically down the street. This person smells like alcohol & it's 9am. Ok, so these things are observations. When I don't like it is when others launch into assumptions based on simple facts. Do I do this? Yes. I suppose I do, yet I don't like it when I do. What happens is that I am in fact judging this behaviour in myself. Ahhhhh, she says. This is something I do NOT like in myself & am quite critical of, so when someone else does the same to me.... now we're getting somewhere. Damn if the first sign of trouble is something I'm judging within myself which indicates it's a feeling that I can't tolerate. Bottom Line: When I feel judged take these steps. 1)Note the discomfort. 2) Identify the behaviour that I find intolerable. 3) Identify the behaviour within myself 4) Note that the behaviour in fact is not anything on par with something psychotic or insane, but in fact is very much a part of the human condition & forgive myself for having the impulse to begin with. 5) Forgive myself for years of suffering I have put myself through for not allowing myself to be human. Ok, now we're getting somewhere good...

Crack Head

Last night I had a dream about my sister. I came home & she was there & she was on the phone. She was talking to someone & she was visibly upset. She was sort of angry, sort of crying. She got off the phone & said "God, I hate addicts!". Then as quick as ever she said "I need to smoke" & began to look for her bag which was big & slouchy & hidden among many books, magazines, & papers that were on the sofa. I said to her: "You don't really want that." Clearly in my mind I made a choice to not say anything more. I knew that she would do what it was that she was going to do & even if I could stop her now, she would do it at another time. I couldn't save her. She found her bag & took out so quickly not just a pipe, but also it wasn't pot (my sister's drug of choice) but it was hard rock. Crack. She broke off a small piece of what was a rather large chunk letting some fall on a blanket, not caring, & lit the smaller piece. Sucking it in & exhaling, now sitting next to me I got up & told her the smell was awful & that I had to leave. That's all.

Path-o-logic

Main Entry: path·o·log·i·cal
Function: adjective
1 : of or relating to pathology
2 : altered or caused by disease; also : indicative of disease
3 : being such to a degree that is extreme, excessive, or markedly abnormal: a pathological liar; pathological fear
Two important things to remember:
1) I am not pathological.
2) There is a connection between quitting smoking & giving up compulsive overeating.

Managing a Dull Ache

How do we learn to trust that the world is a safe place when it really wasn't when we were growing up?
How do we give up old coping mechanisms? I learned to cope with people who were unstable & had a whole host of problems that I didn't realize at the time had nothing whatsoever to do with me. I learned to cope by tuning them out & going numb. Food worked well here. Food really became my drug. Food. And cigarettes which came later. Tobacco was great because it was such an instant hit! And food & cigarettes could be "controlled" in their consumption. It's why I never liked drugs. Alcohol was ok, but I really didn't like things that made me feel out of control. Everything in life needed to be managed. It was NOT safe. My mother was depressed & angry. My dad was drunk & angry. Erratic behaviour. Rules changed constantly. Emotions ran high. Acting out was the norm. I remember watching a LOT of television & eating figures prominently in my life as some of my earliest "good" memories.
I have been eating my feelings for a very long time. They're not as tasty as they used to be & I have a stomach ache. I gave up smoking one year and six months ago. Ahhh... so it is time to give up something else. A very wise person told me recently that at the year and 1/2 mark there would be hell to pay for quitting. Flood of emotion is right.
I'm ready to claim my life. I can't even say re-claim it. I don't think it's ever been mine. Once & for all, this life in this body is MINE. MINE I tell you! And now the gentle part: It's all mine, belongs to me, 100%.

Anger Manage-Meant

I give myself permission to be different from my parents. I give myself the right to define myself by MY-self. To determine who I am NOT connected to them. I am me. I am a different person & I am different from them. I am different from my family. I began to know this at a young age, but it wasn't something I could really allow myself to feel. It was too dangerous of a thought. We can get this idea of individuation on any number of levels & I certainly have understood this in many ways. I moved thousands of miles away from home. This took a lot of permission, but I realize now what I needed to have that permission was anger! Anger was & always has been a great motivator for me. It's given me strength & courage & tenacity to take risks & to do things that I was afraid/didn't have the energy, courage... to do.
Can I be myself & not need to be angry to live? Can I function without anger as a chief motivator? Doesn't anger take a lot of energy? Doesn't a person get awful tired by staying angry in order to get through a project or an event or a life? Aren't there some other options? Can I not like my parents & yet let my anger at them go? Can I notice that they are different from me & I from them & understand that has to be the way it is? These and more musings to follow...

Feeding the Hate

Is letting someone off the hook the same as forgiving them?
I hate my parents for being awful parents. They didn't know the first fucking thing about being parents so why did they have children? It's probably as simple as they didn't know the first fucking thing about birth control.
I thought I'd forgiven them a hundred times & yet here I am, back in this place of utter & shear hate & condemnation for two people who just didn't know any better & who did the best they could with what they had. Does that mean I have to let them off the hook?

This is painful, this above feeling of pure hatred. I hate them. I hate myself for hating. I hate myself for being so connected to them still. I hate that I have to hate them in order to feel safe. I hate that I eat to avoid this feeling altogether. Food will not take away this pain. Food will not make it go away. Being full will do no more than further the hurt. I hurt so I hurt myself. It makes no sense & yet there it is.

Perfecting Our Fears

Funny how for some, the idea of other people reading their writing is validation of life itself. For others, it's an idea that is extremely difficult. With it comes pressure to of course be clever & witty. Not to mention interesting & intelligent. Ok. Perfect. Whatever that means. What would it mean to not try & make something perfect? Lets give it a whirl, shall we?